The Village Talent Show

A while ago, I went with a friend (check out her blog: Knit Me A Cake )

to what I understood to be a folk gig at an open mic style event in a pub, it turned out to be a village talent show. One that I myself didn't have to be part of, just observe.

What I saw was a group of people, no more than 50 of them, from one tiny village in rural Surrey, having the best time, at an event that for an outsider seemed really quite bizarre, and lacking in the level of talent I thought I was going to be entertained by that evening. Don't get me wrong there was indeed some gifts floating around but for the most part it was awful jokes and awkwardness.

As I watched a beautiful thing began to unravel before me. Wrapped up tightly hidden among the crass jokes and the village banter was something deeper, more profound, something that in reflection I believe we are severely lacking today in our lives. The very essence of community, no barriers, no walls, no wriggling away from the fact that community means giving, even when you think what you have to give is nothing special. It's saying its alright to mess up, to get it wrong, or to never really get it quite right, but giving it a go anyway, knowing that amongst it all you are loved no matter what you share.

We need to have less barriers, less fear & more vulnerability.  Nothing of vulnerability is showy, arrogant or about pushing past someone else on the way to the top (whatever that may be or mean). Vulnerability is about acknowledging our downfalls, and our gifts, its about telling the stories in our lives of bravery & courage, even if the ending is nothing like that of a fairy tale.  

I don't want to be focused, as I was when I entered that village talent contest, on how lacking people are, how imperfect they are, or how they haven't got it quite right.  I want to enter peoples lives and remain alongside people in the belly laughter, the joy, the tears and the brave hearts that win battles every moment of every day in spite of themselves.  I want to laugh at bad jokes, and smile at lives that are so out of tune they hurt your ears, but that deep in its very core there is belonging, vulnerability & joy. 

  

"Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” 

Brené Brown

Unknown Friends

So, I'm sitting in yet another airport en route to New Zealand. This time I'm on the solid ground of Brisbane.
(It feels good to be on land.)

As I came through customs and into the transit lounge I suddenly had a whole heap of memories come flooding back to me from the last time I visited Brisbane. It's a story worth telling, especially to those of us who would rather sit in silence on our travels and not engage with anyone (myself included - I don't really enjoy the superficial chat).

Now to put it into context last time I was travelling from Goa, India to get to New Zealand in time for Christmas, and so had a very wonderful flight sequence where I was able to drop in to Brisbane to visit a friend for the day (names have been removed for protection purposes but - check out her blog while your around the blogging world...http://www.claire-matthews.blogspot.com.au ) and then she would drop me back in the evening to catch my flight.

It did not happen as planned. I remember the moment well,
'I'll just wait here while you check your flight'
'Nah don't worry you go, it will be fine!'

At my word the car and friend leave, and I walk in, look up, only to find my flight flick round at that very moment as 'delayed' on the screens. Well, only for a couple of hours but still, would have been nice to know in advance of that moment!

I wait for a couple of hours and in those two hours, a lady doing a survey asks for my help, as I'm simply waiting I assist in the survey about why I've come on holiday to Australia, I couldn't really answer her questions so we had a little chat about what I did in India, and working for a charity & church and then she left.

The next thing I know is being woken up like something from a film, you'll know what I mean, they lock a camera behind the eye of the one waking up... I'm all blurry eyed, brain completely disengaged but trying desperately to make some sense of what's going on, i literally have no idea where I am or who this strange lady is talking to me. Clinging to words that I'm sure sounded something like this,
Eushhagaagbashhass. Certain of it.

Apparently I had fallen into a deep deep sleep that was very tough to wake up from! The survey lady had in the meantime interviewed a girl called Ciara - ...and was really excited that Ciara was also a Christian and was going to work for a charity. So the survey lady walked off and said, 'you must have a lot to talk about' ... What?! How did she think let alone know that, I was asleep, clearly a deep one, and she just woke me up to talk to a stranger! I AM SO TIRED I WANT TO VOMIT. (My exact grumpy tired thoughts).

The thing is, this interfering survey lady was right, Ciara was meant to be on this delayed flight too, and so we began to talk and share our stories, and the flight kept getting delayed, and we kept talking. And then after waiting for almost 8 hours after the expected departure time, they informed us they would have to cancel the flight, the plane was broken.

Panic broke out and we were sitting among another film like scene with people rushing and shouting (it's the 23rd December 9pm by this point). My main panic was that I would have to spend more time on my own and I was already pushing the limits!

Then the most incredible situation occurred, Ciara disappeared, and I found her sobbing in the toilet, she was going to see her boyfriend for two days (one of which had already been taken up waiting for the flight), for a party, and with this cancellation she would miss the party and only have half a day there. She was devastated, understandably. That too it was Christmas.

But in that moment, God broke in, well I think He broke in way before this moment but perhaps this is the moment I realised! I was able to help Ciara figure out the options and we just prayed together, that was all, but that was all that was needed in that moment.
We then shared even more stories as the airport put us in a hotel and we shared a hotel room. They bought us dominos and all was well. Ciara left on the first flight out of Brisbane on Christmas Eve and I left later that day.

For 13 hours, I made a friend. We shared things that friends only share after a lifetime of knowing one another. And I have never seen her again, I'm not friends with her on Facebook, she doesn't follow me on twitter and I don't even know exactly how you spell her name!

In those hours we met with god, and we walked one another's journeys together.

We don't always know where people are at, but we assume that wherever that is, it shouldn't interfere with us. Particularly when we travel.
We tend not to give anyone time, because its an inconvenience, even when we are waiting or just sleeping!

What struck me as those memories filled my again is that I was on a bit of a pilgrimage in the season that was my life back then, I could argue that I still am. Ciara became part of that journey, and I don't think I will forget the impact it has had on how I travel, who I speak to, and how I see God, more and more in the people I meet.

Give someone some of your time, even when you don't know them, there will be friends in your life one day that you don't even know yet. Blessed much?!

...I know

There are some people in my life, that I call the 'I know' people. These kind of people look at you and know what your thinking or feeling, and sometimes they let on and other times they keep hush hush.

Recently another one of these 'I know' people stepped into my life and joined part of my journey.
That's when I began to wonder what was going on in me that meant people just 'knew' what I thought or felt before I had even really had a chance to think it or feel it. They tend to wait until I say whatever it was they already knew to affirm that after all of the strange and wonderful ways I have of getting to a point or a revelation, they had arrived at that thought, moments, days, months, or sometimes even years before.

You may have these kind of people in your life, or perhaps you are an 'I know' person, the type of patient, kind and loving human being who knows, and yet, lets people walk their journey at their own pace and realise life lessons, however painful it is to watch!

I've come to love and mildly resent the term 'I know' because of these people. I mildly resent it because of the number of times people speak into my life who knew the whole time I was gonna get there, but refused to give me direction, because it was my journey to go on! (How beautifully irritating).
Because every time I hear it, I too know that it was inevitable, it was always going to be that way, it just took my thoughts some time to catch up with my heart.
Because when I start to share my heart, I've apparently already given it away in my facial expression, behaviour, or the air around me, and I get frustrated at my lack of openness, is it really that difficult?!

I love it, because I love that people know me, I resent it because I wish they would just tell me, I hope they never stop and I never want to hear it again, but as soon as I hear it - I know that people have been looking beyond the superficial, seeing something deeper, getting to know the beat of my heart, it's trials and joys, and that comforts me.

Often our hearts simply resonate with someone else's, and words are not needed, and so the 'I know' comes from a place where other words would be empty and you are just filled with empathy and understanding. 'I know' can be some of the most comforting words to hear, they are not judging, trying to give an answer, but they reach right into your heart and sit there next to whatever is going on, without need to draw out answers beyond what we can bear.

The words 'I know' have become comforting, prophetic, irritating, and have meant drawing closer & deeper in my relationships. Including the one relationship that is often beyond words.

I am a child of a God who knows, He knows all, He is all knowing, and when he says, I know, he really does, he has been there, he has gone before us, he knows every hair on our head, he has felt our pain and carried our sorrow, he took it to the cross and overcame it in death and resurrection - He knows. He has a plan ... Even when we don't know.
So even if you don't have anyone in your life that knows you as well as you'd like, there is an all-loving all-knowing God who does, in fact he knows more about you than even you. Now that's comforting.

But like all relationships we cannot sit always in silence, never self reflecting, or figuring out our journey, waiting for others to so it for us. We have just as much responsibility to communicate where we are at to those around us who seek to support us, and love us. Communication is often hard when it's from a painful or confusing place, to friends, or to God, but it is crucial if we are to grow. We must say often, 'I think' or 'I feel' in order that we hear the 'I know'.

I thank God for 'I know' people, for their perseverance, gentleness, relentless love and patience and for the way they reflect Gods heart in my life. I pray you too would know people like this in yours.


“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people.”
John O'Donohue , Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

Conveyor Belt Love

It's been a long time since I've blogged, in fact it's been a while since I've written anything at all.  As a result people closest to me have received an incomprehensible outpouring of my thoughts & feelings in a rather messy manner.  

I stopped writing because it meant I had to really process what I thought, what I was feeling and at times during this year, they were not emotions or thoughts I wanted to deal with.  My writing is a bit of an expression of who I am , and takes a lot of digging deep. 

As a result, in a year brimming with moments where I have questioned, myself, my friends, my thoughts, my feelings & who I am, I've not felt inspired to write.  I thought I didn't have much to say, and if I was to dig deep, in all honesty, I was slightly afraid of what I might find.

It's coming up to the end of the year, and I can say from the bottom of my heart, from the deepest ounce of feeling in my soul, that this year, has been a tough one.  I can also honestly say that this year has also been a great one, although at times I've really not lived in that truth.

Do you ever have those days where you realise that what you are learning, you thought you had already learnt? If you have, you will understand when I say that this year I was relearning a whole lot of lessons I thought I'd already nailed. I thought I had a good grasp on what it was to love unconditionally and then this happened;

I got sick.  Now I'm not talking terminal illness, nor agonising pain.  I just got sick, and then I got sick again, and again, without realising it had happened, my energy was sapped, my body wouldn't work. All in all, I was miserable. 

What made this situation worse is that I grew up thinking that if you just 'get on with it' you will feel much better.  Which sometimes, is actually true.  But this time, I was just running myself into the ground.  I refused to acknowledge that I could no longer do everything I wanted to, needed to, or in fact felt I had to.  I was learning a lot about independence and its killer skills in wiping me out! 

The person I'd found myself to be, could no longer run around meeting the needs of those around me.  Suddenly the table turned, and I couldn't be that person.  It felt like I was wrestling with God as he stripped down my character and refined me.  Being in the furnace is not fun, and it hurt. Sometimes it still does, I know he is not finished with me yet. 

A can-do attitude is good, and when it comes from the right place, a Philippians 4:13 kind of place 'I can do all things through him who strengthens me'  we can find freedom in realising that, and we find that we really can do a lot more! 
But a can do attitude that stifles the love that other people are trying to show you, that's not healthy.  That's exactly what I had.  I was on a proud rampage of proving that I could do things.  Things that I could now not do. 

Now, dont get me wrong, I know the rules; love is not just about giving.  And as much as I like to give love I am happy to receive it.  Or so I thought.  Happy to receive it, when it doesn't mean swallowing my pride and letting others serve me, when it's on my terms, and I am still in control, or when it looks exactly how I want it to.  

It seems to me that every time I think I understand Love I realise there is so much more to learn.  God is Love, that's probably the reason I cannot ever fully comprehend it. It is deeper, wider, more profound than any moment I think I've grasped it.  
And thank God that He is Love, that His Grace is enough and that He placed people in my life who wouldn't give up on my stubborn, self willed ways.  That those friends & family who claimed they loved me, really did; beyond any rational measure.  But there is often no worldly rational to love, it doesn't make sense that even in my mardy moments there they were, extending kindness and laughter, willing to keep choosing to love me. 
One friend spent the whole day with me when I'd had a hospital visit the day before, and all I did was take naps, and they remained there with me, making tea & not speaking, just being.  There have been so many moments like that this year, and I am so thankful.

Towards the beginning of this year, I went to Ireland with some friends.  

As we strolled around the cobbled city centre and entered some of the old Dublin buildings, something was striking my heart, tugging ever so gently on my heart strings, so that I barely noticed.  The more we explored, the more I began to feel this tug.  As we entered an old church, we looked around with that gaze that comes over people when they are trying to take it all in.  Heads lifted to look at the artwork and detailing on the structure of the building, so high up.  As I looked I realised what the tug was, and just like that, the building and the artwork, the intricate detailing on the wooden panels came to life.  Out of them poured the love of hours and days spent creating it all, chances are high not many people would have looked up when it was built.  

We live in a speedy, impatient, get-what-you-want-at-the-touch-of-a-button society.  We experience what I'd like to call, 'conveyor belt love', if it does not feel right, if it is not easy, not working, not giving us everything we need, we move on.  We give up and try the next best thing.  If our friends do not make us laugh enough, or listen enough, or have annoying habits, we move on to the next one.  We experience love as a transient thing, something that can be replaced.  

Love cannot be replaced.  Love is a choice, and a choice to give our everything, and allow others to love us back; flaws, annoying habits, ugly character traits, ridiculous mood swings included! It is not about being walked over or controlling so that we get what we want.  It is not made on a conveyor belt; it takes time, it's hand made by a God, who is love.  We have been designed to love, and that is not easy but it builds, and does not destroy.  It goes against everything the world now teaches us.  It is gritty, hard wearing, stands firm when everything else seems so fluid. 

It sits in a room with someone who is sick with not much energy to speak, and just is. 

I am thankful I have family and friends who are not always easy to love, because I know for a fact I am often difficult to love.  I thank God that He is Love.

I hope and pray that this year, you experience time and again, the unconditional love of God the Father.

Something About Him

This is huge.
This is new.
This is scary.
This is the unknown.
This is not my comfort zone.
This is the knowledge that I will grow
and knowing it is risky, scary and incredible all at once.
This is knowing I cannot do it on my own.

This is my adventure with God.

It seems that the more I learn about God the more I know I can trust Him, but I seem to scrawl back and withdraw and try still to do things on my own... am I crazy?  With a God who covers everything, who created everything, who knows everything... how could I ever try and do it alone.

Recently I was reading from Joshua, (1:1-9)  Its like the words jumped off the page at me, the more I read the deeper into my heart they penetrated and I knew this step in my adventure was about being courageous, not that namby pamby kind of filmy courage where you have to jump off a building and land on your feet, but the kind of courage that comes from the depths of your heart, the kind you didn't even know you had. It's possible that we don't know we have it, because we don't, it actually comes from the Creator of the universe, a pretty reliable source.

Tasks seem huge and I doubt too often that I am able, that I have enough vision, enough humour, enough character, enough strength, am I even good enough.
Then I realise its not about me at all and I continually make it about me, when its not.  God can do all things through me. That much I know, and that is what I cling to.
Courageous love.
Courageous vision.
Boldness.
Step up. Step out.

“A Christian is one who points at Christ and says, ‘I can’t prove a thing,

but there’s something about his eyes and his voice. There’s something

about the way he carries his head, his hands, the way he carries his cross ​— ​

the way he carries me.’ Frederick Buechner