It's been a long time since I've blogged, in fact it's been a while since I've written anything at all. As a result people closest to me have received an incomprehensible outpouring of my thoughts & feelings in a rather messy manner.
I stopped writing because it meant I had to really process what I thought, what I was feeling and at times during this year, they were not emotions or thoughts I wanted to deal with. My writing is a bit of an expression of who I am , and takes a lot of digging deep.
As a result, in a year brimming with moments where I have questioned, myself, my friends, my thoughts, my feelings & who I am, I've not felt inspired to write. I thought I didn't have much to say, and if I was to dig deep, in all honesty, I was slightly afraid of what I might find.
It's coming up to the end of the year, and I can say from the bottom of my heart, from the deepest ounce of feeling in my soul, that this year, has been a tough one. I can also honestly say that this year has also been a great one, although at times I've really not lived in that truth.
Do you ever have those days where you realise that what you are learning, you thought you had already learnt? If you have, you will understand when I say that this year I was relearning a whole lot of lessons I thought I'd already nailed. I thought I had a good grasp on what it was to love unconditionally and then this happened;
I got sick. Now I'm not talking terminal illness, nor agonising pain. I just got sick, and then I got sick again, and again, without realising it had happened, my energy was sapped, my body wouldn't work. All in all, I was miserable.
What made this situation worse is that I grew up thinking that if you just 'get on with it' you will feel much better. Which sometimes, is actually true. But this time, I was just running myself into the ground. I refused to acknowledge that I could no longer do everything I wanted to, needed to, or in fact felt I had to. I was learning a lot about independence and its killer skills in wiping me out!
The person I'd found myself to be, could no longer run around meeting the needs of those around me. Suddenly the table turned, and I couldn't be that person. It felt like I was wrestling with God as he stripped down my character and refined me. Being in the furnace is not fun, and it hurt. Sometimes it still does, I know he is not finished with me yet.
A can-do attitude is good, and when it comes from the right place, a Philippians 4:13 kind of place 'I can do all things through him who strengthens me' we can find freedom in realising that, and we find that we really can do a lot more!
But a can do attitude that stifles the love that other people are trying to show you, that's not healthy. That's exactly what I had. I was on a proud rampage of proving that I could do things. Things that I could now not do.
Now, dont get me wrong, I know the rules; love is not just about giving. And as much as I like to give love I am happy to receive it. Or so I thought. Happy to receive it, when it doesn't mean swallowing my pride and letting others serve me, when it's on my terms, and I am still in control, or when it looks exactly how I want it to.
It seems to me that every time I think I understand Love I realise there is so much more to learn. God is Love, that's probably the reason I cannot ever fully comprehend it. It is deeper, wider, more profound than any moment I think I've grasped it.
And thank God that He is Love, that His Grace is enough and that He placed people in my life who wouldn't give up on my stubborn, self willed ways. That those friends & family who claimed they loved me, really did; beyond any rational measure. But there is often no worldly rational to love, it doesn't make sense that even in my mardy moments there they were, extending kindness and laughter, willing to keep choosing to love me.
One friend spent the whole day with me when I'd had a hospital visit the day before, and all I did was take naps, and they remained there with me, making tea & not speaking, just being. There have been so many moments like that this year, and I am so thankful.
Towards the beginning of this year, I went to Ireland with some friends.
As we strolled around the cobbled city centre and entered some of the old Dublin buildings, something was striking my heart, tugging ever so gently on my heart strings, so that I barely noticed. The more we explored, the more I began to feel this tug. As we entered an old church, we looked around with that gaze that comes over people when they are trying to take it all in. Heads lifted to look at the artwork and detailing on the structure of the building, so high up. As I looked I realised what the tug was, and just like that, the building and the artwork, the intricate detailing on the wooden panels came to life. Out of them poured the love of hours and days spent creating it all, chances are high not many people would have looked up when it was built.
We live in a speedy, impatient, get-what-you-want-at-the-touch-of-a-button society. We experience what I'd like to call, 'conveyor belt love', if it does not feel right, if it is not easy, not working, not giving us everything we need, we move on. We give up and try the next best thing. If our friends do not make us laugh enough, or listen enough, or have annoying habits, we move on to the next one. We experience love as a transient thing, something that can be replaced.
Love cannot be replaced. Love is a choice, and a choice to give our everything, and allow others to love us back; flaws, annoying habits, ugly character traits, ridiculous mood swings included! It is not about being walked over or controlling so that we get what we want. It is not made on a conveyor belt; it takes time, it's hand made by a God, who is love. We have been designed to love, and that is not easy but it builds, and does not destroy. It goes against everything the world now teaches us. It is gritty, hard wearing, stands firm when everything else seems so fluid.
It sits in a room with someone who is sick with not much energy to speak, and just is.
I am thankful I have family and friends who are not always easy to love, because I know for a fact I am often difficult to love. I thank God that He is Love.
I hope and pray that this year, you experience time and again, the unconditional love of God the Father.
I stopped writing because it meant I had to really process what I thought, what I was feeling and at times during this year, they were not emotions or thoughts I wanted to deal with. My writing is a bit of an expression of who I am , and takes a lot of digging deep.
As a result, in a year brimming with moments where I have questioned, myself, my friends, my thoughts, my feelings & who I am, I've not felt inspired to write. I thought I didn't have much to say, and if I was to dig deep, in all honesty, I was slightly afraid of what I might find.
It's coming up to the end of the year, and I can say from the bottom of my heart, from the deepest ounce of feeling in my soul, that this year, has been a tough one. I can also honestly say that this year has also been a great one, although at times I've really not lived in that truth.
Do you ever have those days where you realise that what you are learning, you thought you had already learnt? If you have, you will understand when I say that this year I was relearning a whole lot of lessons I thought I'd already nailed. I thought I had a good grasp on what it was to love unconditionally and then this happened;
I got sick. Now I'm not talking terminal illness, nor agonising pain. I just got sick, and then I got sick again, and again, without realising it had happened, my energy was sapped, my body wouldn't work. All in all, I was miserable.
What made this situation worse is that I grew up thinking that if you just 'get on with it' you will feel much better. Which sometimes, is actually true. But this time, I was just running myself into the ground. I refused to acknowledge that I could no longer do everything I wanted to, needed to, or in fact felt I had to. I was learning a lot about independence and its killer skills in wiping me out!
The person I'd found myself to be, could no longer run around meeting the needs of those around me. Suddenly the table turned, and I couldn't be that person. It felt like I was wrestling with God as he stripped down my character and refined me. Being in the furnace is not fun, and it hurt. Sometimes it still does, I know he is not finished with me yet.
A can-do attitude is good, and when it comes from the right place, a Philippians 4:13 kind of place 'I can do all things through him who strengthens me' we can find freedom in realising that, and we find that we really can do a lot more!
But a can do attitude that stifles the love that other people are trying to show you, that's not healthy. That's exactly what I had. I was on a proud rampage of proving that I could do things. Things that I could now not do.
Now, dont get me wrong, I know the rules; love is not just about giving. And as much as I like to give love I am happy to receive it. Or so I thought. Happy to receive it, when it doesn't mean swallowing my pride and letting others serve me, when it's on my terms, and I am still in control, or when it looks exactly how I want it to.
It seems to me that every time I think I understand Love I realise there is so much more to learn. God is Love, that's probably the reason I cannot ever fully comprehend it. It is deeper, wider, more profound than any moment I think I've grasped it.
And thank God that He is Love, that His Grace is enough and that He placed people in my life who wouldn't give up on my stubborn, self willed ways. That those friends & family who claimed they loved me, really did; beyond any rational measure. But there is often no worldly rational to love, it doesn't make sense that even in my mardy moments there they were, extending kindness and laughter, willing to keep choosing to love me.
One friend spent the whole day with me when I'd had a hospital visit the day before, and all I did was take naps, and they remained there with me, making tea & not speaking, just being. There have been so many moments like that this year, and I am so thankful.
Towards the beginning of this year, I went to Ireland with some friends.
As we strolled around the cobbled city centre and entered some of the old Dublin buildings, something was striking my heart, tugging ever so gently on my heart strings, so that I barely noticed. The more we explored, the more I began to feel this tug. As we entered an old church, we looked around with that gaze that comes over people when they are trying to take it all in. Heads lifted to look at the artwork and detailing on the structure of the building, so high up. As I looked I realised what the tug was, and just like that, the building and the artwork, the intricate detailing on the wooden panels came to life. Out of them poured the love of hours and days spent creating it all, chances are high not many people would have looked up when it was built.
We live in a speedy, impatient, get-what-you-want-at-the-touch-of-a-button society. We experience what I'd like to call, 'conveyor belt love', if it does not feel right, if it is not easy, not working, not giving us everything we need, we move on. We give up and try the next best thing. If our friends do not make us laugh enough, or listen enough, or have annoying habits, we move on to the next one. We experience love as a transient thing, something that can be replaced.
Love cannot be replaced. Love is a choice, and a choice to give our everything, and allow others to love us back; flaws, annoying habits, ugly character traits, ridiculous mood swings included! It is not about being walked over or controlling so that we get what we want. It is not made on a conveyor belt; it takes time, it's hand made by a God, who is love. We have been designed to love, and that is not easy but it builds, and does not destroy. It goes against everything the world now teaches us. It is gritty, hard wearing, stands firm when everything else seems so fluid.
It sits in a room with someone who is sick with not much energy to speak, and just is.
I am thankful I have family and friends who are not always easy to love, because I know for a fact I am often difficult to love. I thank God that He is Love.
I hope and pray that this year, you experience time and again, the unconditional love of God the Father.
