Conveyor Belt Love

It's been a long time since I've blogged, in fact it's been a while since I've written anything at all.  As a result people closest to me have received an incomprehensible outpouring of my thoughts & feelings in a rather messy manner.  

I stopped writing because it meant I had to really process what I thought, what I was feeling and at times during this year, they were not emotions or thoughts I wanted to deal with.  My writing is a bit of an expression of who I am , and takes a lot of digging deep. 

As a result, in a year brimming with moments where I have questioned, myself, my friends, my thoughts, my feelings & who I am, I've not felt inspired to write.  I thought I didn't have much to say, and if I was to dig deep, in all honesty, I was slightly afraid of what I might find.

It's coming up to the end of the year, and I can say from the bottom of my heart, from the deepest ounce of feeling in my soul, that this year, has been a tough one.  I can also honestly say that this year has also been a great one, although at times I've really not lived in that truth.

Do you ever have those days where you realise that what you are learning, you thought you had already learnt? If you have, you will understand when I say that this year I was relearning a whole lot of lessons I thought I'd already nailed. I thought I had a good grasp on what it was to love unconditionally and then this happened;

I got sick.  Now I'm not talking terminal illness, nor agonising pain.  I just got sick, and then I got sick again, and again, without realising it had happened, my energy was sapped, my body wouldn't work. All in all, I was miserable. 

What made this situation worse is that I grew up thinking that if you just 'get on with it' you will feel much better.  Which sometimes, is actually true.  But this time, I was just running myself into the ground.  I refused to acknowledge that I could no longer do everything I wanted to, needed to, or in fact felt I had to.  I was learning a lot about independence and its killer skills in wiping me out! 

The person I'd found myself to be, could no longer run around meeting the needs of those around me.  Suddenly the table turned, and I couldn't be that person.  It felt like I was wrestling with God as he stripped down my character and refined me.  Being in the furnace is not fun, and it hurt. Sometimes it still does, I know he is not finished with me yet. 

A can-do attitude is good, and when it comes from the right place, a Philippians 4:13 kind of place 'I can do all things through him who strengthens me'  we can find freedom in realising that, and we find that we really can do a lot more! 
But a can do attitude that stifles the love that other people are trying to show you, that's not healthy.  That's exactly what I had.  I was on a proud rampage of proving that I could do things.  Things that I could now not do. 

Now, dont get me wrong, I know the rules; love is not just about giving.  And as much as I like to give love I am happy to receive it.  Or so I thought.  Happy to receive it, when it doesn't mean swallowing my pride and letting others serve me, when it's on my terms, and I am still in control, or when it looks exactly how I want it to.  

It seems to me that every time I think I understand Love I realise there is so much more to learn.  God is Love, that's probably the reason I cannot ever fully comprehend it. It is deeper, wider, more profound than any moment I think I've grasped it.  
And thank God that He is Love, that His Grace is enough and that He placed people in my life who wouldn't give up on my stubborn, self willed ways.  That those friends & family who claimed they loved me, really did; beyond any rational measure.  But there is often no worldly rational to love, it doesn't make sense that even in my mardy moments there they were, extending kindness and laughter, willing to keep choosing to love me. 
One friend spent the whole day with me when I'd had a hospital visit the day before, and all I did was take naps, and they remained there with me, making tea & not speaking, just being.  There have been so many moments like that this year, and I am so thankful.

Towards the beginning of this year, I went to Ireland with some friends.  

As we strolled around the cobbled city centre and entered some of the old Dublin buildings, something was striking my heart, tugging ever so gently on my heart strings, so that I barely noticed.  The more we explored, the more I began to feel this tug.  As we entered an old church, we looked around with that gaze that comes over people when they are trying to take it all in.  Heads lifted to look at the artwork and detailing on the structure of the building, so high up.  As I looked I realised what the tug was, and just like that, the building and the artwork, the intricate detailing on the wooden panels came to life.  Out of them poured the love of hours and days spent creating it all, chances are high not many people would have looked up when it was built.  

We live in a speedy, impatient, get-what-you-want-at-the-touch-of-a-button society.  We experience what I'd like to call, 'conveyor belt love', if it does not feel right, if it is not easy, not working, not giving us everything we need, we move on.  We give up and try the next best thing.  If our friends do not make us laugh enough, or listen enough, or have annoying habits, we move on to the next one.  We experience love as a transient thing, something that can be replaced.  

Love cannot be replaced.  Love is a choice, and a choice to give our everything, and allow others to love us back; flaws, annoying habits, ugly character traits, ridiculous mood swings included! It is not about being walked over or controlling so that we get what we want.  It is not made on a conveyor belt; it takes time, it's hand made by a God, who is love.  We have been designed to love, and that is not easy but it builds, and does not destroy.  It goes against everything the world now teaches us.  It is gritty, hard wearing, stands firm when everything else seems so fluid. 

It sits in a room with someone who is sick with not much energy to speak, and just is. 

I am thankful I have family and friends who are not always easy to love, because I know for a fact I am often difficult to love.  I thank God that He is Love.

I hope and pray that this year, you experience time and again, the unconditional love of God the Father.

Something About Him

This is huge.
This is new.
This is scary.
This is the unknown.
This is not my comfort zone.
This is the knowledge that I will grow
and knowing it is risky, scary and incredible all at once.
This is knowing I cannot do it on my own.

This is my adventure with God.

It seems that the more I learn about God the more I know I can trust Him, but I seem to scrawl back and withdraw and try still to do things on my own... am I crazy?  With a God who covers everything, who created everything, who knows everything... how could I ever try and do it alone.

Recently I was reading from Joshua, (1:1-9)  Its like the words jumped off the page at me, the more I read the deeper into my heart they penetrated and I knew this step in my adventure was about being courageous, not that namby pamby kind of filmy courage where you have to jump off a building and land on your feet, but the kind of courage that comes from the depths of your heart, the kind you didn't even know you had. It's possible that we don't know we have it, because we don't, it actually comes from the Creator of the universe, a pretty reliable source.

Tasks seem huge and I doubt too often that I am able, that I have enough vision, enough humour, enough character, enough strength, am I even good enough.
Then I realise its not about me at all and I continually make it about me, when its not.  God can do all things through me. That much I know, and that is what I cling to.
Courageous love.
Courageous vision.
Boldness.
Step up. Step out.

“A Christian is one who points at Christ and says, ‘I can’t prove a thing,

but there’s something about his eyes and his voice. There’s something

about the way he carries his head, his hands, the way he carries his cross ​— ​

the way he carries me.’ Frederick Buechner

The House that God Built

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.’ Matt 7:24

In my opinion it was a farfetched idea that grew without intention for a while, a mere ‘one day’ kind of idea, the sort that you often throw about with friends.  After all we were not totally sure of where we would both be in the country, let alone the world, and chatting with friends about living together is banded around a lot, most of the time to no avail.

When we knew we would still be around Woking, we started chatting about what this space should be like, how we should live, putting the world to rights at times, but mostly getting excited at the prospect of being community, living as God had intended without reservation or hesitation when it came to helping, sharing, praying, worshipping, being.

We decided it would be awesome to live in Maybury, with its closeness to ChristChurch and the growing number of the church community living in and around it, it seemed like a great place.  Not to mention the great shops that would deliver refuge for my pining of Asian foods and culture.

We were complacent about our search with a few stumbles along the way.  One fine day we decided to meet and pray, listening to God for what this home would be like, where it would be and how he wanted us to live in it for want of a better phrase.

God spoke to us so much about what the house would look like and showed us in pictures and with words what it would be and how we should use it.  Her are just a few:

• It will be a house, not a flat... this blew our minds as we had definitely not budgeted for that!
• The colour white, with a sense God was saying it would be a place of purity and peace.
• It would have a garden with a fence
• Ashley had a picture of one end of a main road, I had a picture of the other end, we were bamboozled by this for sometime.
• It would be a place of refuge and retreat for people who entered.

After praying we went for a walk down Walton Road to see what we could find, scout out the area and spot a house that looked just like the pictures God had given us.  We saw one house down a side road almost in the middle of Walton Road.  We both would probably say that this house did not stand out really, it intrigued us and that was about it. We continued on our merry way discussing the possibilities of the house and delving into the pictures and ideas God had given us.  

That same day, we walked into the estate agent and were welcomed by a friendly chap called Nigel, who showed us their only property in the area, you guessed it, the house that we paid no real attention too, in fact I’m pretty sure we couldn’t even remember whether we had looked at that house or not.  Blazé about the whole thing, we booked a viewing.  It was exactly as God had told us, white inside (being painted as we looked around), garden, fence, and it was in a side road, off the middle of the road we had opposite end pictures about.  It was as though it could have been anywhere down that road and the pictures God had given us were to mark the area.

We were excited.  Then reality hit and I realised that to live in this house we would need a substantial amount of money, which I didn’t have.  I was challenged, after living with Martin & Beena in Goa, who, day-by-day, taught me about living by faith, it was thrown in my face as a reality.  I find it difficult to trust when all around there are means by which we don't have to, materially, emotionally, we are driven to be independent and trust only in ourselves and self provision. In Goa, I was taught the difference, the difference between real trust, and comfortable trust.  Trust is not comfortable.  Trust is risky.  Trust feels almost dangerous.  Trust requires letting go and relinquishing control.  I am not good at that.  

Moving was no longer really an option, when I was honest about it.  It just was not possible.  We felt like it was of God, and if it was of God, however long it took, we knew we had to trust Him.  We sat and prayed.  We listened again to what God had for us, what he wanted us to do.  He spoke to us that He is unlimited; there is not one thing that is an obstacle for our Creator. Right then, as He was speaking to us, God provided what we needed, right in the midst of our doubt, and confusion, and our attempts to trust Him and give it all to Him, He provided.  I do not think that it is solely because God loves to provide for us, I think He was teaching us about abandon and trust in Him.  God wants in on every detail of our lives and He doesn’t just want it because we ‘feel we should’ or that it’s the ‘right thing to do’  but because we are compelled, almost propelled from such a fountain of His love that we want nothing more than for Him to be our everything. 

A week later, we moved into our house, built on the Rock.

We have now been in our house for over five months.  God has challenged us, and used the house as a refuge and retreat and just a place of great joy.  We have not always been responsive and at times have been lazy and selfish about the space, but God always reminds us what it is for, not for us, but for His Kingdom. 
It is a joy to share with you God’s pictures and provision for our lives, but I think its important you know it is not by our efforts, no, it is not because we prayed, nor because we listened, but because we fixed our heart on Jesus and desired to follow in His footsteps despite how much we stumble along the way, and the very nature of Jesus is that despite ourselves, His extravagant love for us is enough.  Fix your heart on Jesus and walk with Him, you never know where He will lead you.  For us, He led us to to this house and I pray that we will make ourselves available to be tools in the hands of the master builder in this place.